How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
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