How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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