I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
