I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
