what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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