I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
