My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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