No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
