i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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