new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
