At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
