I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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