one might say we're banned from that church
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
