We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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