Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
