Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
