tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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