There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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