Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
