I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
