WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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