my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
