I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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