I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Randomize
