I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I am spending my child support on dildos
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
