Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
