Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
