You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
