she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
how does that bad decision feel?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
