I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
