so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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