My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
