I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
i believe in u and ur pee
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
