Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Just invented taco cereal.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
