things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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