M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I have tasted many bathrooms
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
