happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
