I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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