dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
