So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
