so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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