I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
