Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
