Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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