seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
