wat bout pragnant strippers??
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
