toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
