My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
