Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
stop calling my apartment porn island.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
