True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
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